BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS
Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
God is the only one who hasn’t left me. I cling to His awesome promises to never leave me. Not only do I believe Him, but I draw strength and hope from verses dear to my heart. I often overthink things.
When life becomes too much, I call out to Him. He calms my apprehensive thoughts and gives me peace. My precious relationship with my Creator is my grandparent’s legacy to me. They lived their lives trusting Him.
Spring is in the air. The sound of geese flying north has me restless. Last fall when I heard them flying south, I felt so hopeless. The dark days of winter were coming. The idea of staying here on this farm and waiting for Pa to return was truly heartbreaking.
Flashbacks of his leaving are confusing to me. The past is a frightful place to live. Only memories exist there. I hope to leave most of them behind with the voices.
Lately, as I walk through the rooms, voices from the yesteryears are filling my mind. I hear the laughter of my parents, as I strive to prepare myself for leaving all that I know. This house was once filled with their joy, their love for each other, the baby to come, and for me. David only knows them by what we’ve told him. Memories that I cherish were often bedtime stories, but he seems to have lost interest in the past.
He wants me to read stories from the Bible. He will suggest Scriptures that he would like to hear and I know he is missing Gram. I do, too. She always read her Bible to us. We miss both of them too much to continue life as we know it. Neither of us inherited their love of farming. I enjoy gardening, but not on a large scale.
Gram taught us to read from the book of Proverbs. She was such a good teacher. Not only did she teach us about God, but she taught me everything she knew about herbs and plants for healing. Grandad always left several acres uncultivated for her foraging. I’ve been restocking and drying things for my carpet bag. I dearly miss her hugs. If life overwhelmed me, I felt safe in her arms.
When Mrs. Wilson confided that she and her husband had decided to travel west, she planted a seed of hope into my uneasy heart. They offered us a reasonable fare for passage on their wagon. I long for change. I decided to ask David how he felt about my idea. I had to make sure he understood what going with them meant. I know nothing of the lands between us and Pa’s last address. Or the dangers. I only know if we remain here, we’ll both be unhappy.
David is in agreement with everything that I want to do. I tried to hide my enthusiasm from him, so he would be honest. He seemed excited when I was telling him that it would be an adventure. We would sleep beneath the wagon and he would ride Shadow every day. He dearly loves that horse. He wants a dog, but I don’t want that obligation just yet. Shadow and my horse, Blazer, are all that I can deal with at this time.
I wish Pa would have come home and taken over this responsibility. I’m still angry with him for running away. When Ma died, I needed him. So did Gram and Grandad. It was a frightful time in my life. Everything changed. I remember how safe I felt in his arms. How could he leave us and never come back, or even write? I can’t help but wonder, will we find him alive? Will he be happy to see us? Will he recognize me? I’m small, but I have grown into a woman. Gram said I look just like Ma.
My childhood ended the day of David’s birth. I woke up to find everyone stressed and fearful. Pa was unconsolable. The panic in his eyes gave me nightmares. The happy life I had once known became a time of great sorrow and confusion. Many a night I fell back asleep within Gram’s arms. I dearly miss her hugs. Through the years, when life overwhelmed me, I sought comfort within those arms. She never once failed me.
David was welcomed and cherished from the moment I saw him. Gram and Grandad adored him, too. They surrounded us with love and security, while they grieved the loss of their beloved “daughter” and only son. Ma had been a mail order bride that Gram had ordered. As a “healer,” Gram was devastated that she wasn’t able to save her.
Offers of marriage bore me. None of them want my brother as part of the offer. Even if one suitor had interested me, David and I are inseparable. We have been since he was born eight years ago. I was only ten, but Gram said I was born to be a mother. I don’t feel like I’m his mother. I do feel the responsibility when I see his eyes so full of trust. That doesn’t frighten me. I cherish him and our relationship. Family is important.
Changing my surroundings is an exciting concept for me. I want to wake up in strange places where there are no memories to make me sad. I was content to be with Gram after Grandad died. She was my rock in all this ordeal of adulthood, but I didn’t always agree with her. I resisted when she tried to talk to me about finding a husband, and accepting “the way of life.” Now, here I stand, an adult, and the head of this family.
Thankfully, David doesn’t seem to be afraid of the unknown. I was concerned that he might be hesitant to leave all that he knows. Honestly, he’s fearless when I’m with him. So many times, I’ve made him face his fears. Oh, the joy in my heart when he would overcome it, and his eyes would light up with that awesome smile. Panic can cause much harm to the mind controlled by fear.
Anxiety is certainly trying to make me fearful about this venture, but I’m a bold, stubborn woman. I’d rather be reckless than a coward. I refuse to live a mundane existence of endless days of work. Of trusting the weather for good crops. I want to see where the wild geese go. I long to experience new places and things of wonder. I want to meet people who we would never encounter here.
With all of my heart, I sense that God is leading me to do this. All through the Bible, He teaches us to not be afraid. We are to fear not, because He is with us. I know we are safe in His hands, as well as I know this journey will not be an easy one. That would be out of character for my Creator. He uses the rich soil of tribulations to grow our faith. That’s a quote from my farming Grandad.
I also feel that I’m doing what is best for David. It concerns me that he has no males in his life to emulate. He needs Pa. My brother must realize what it means to trust God in all that he does. We learned that in the book of Proverbs. We must both be strong and courageous, if we are to venture onto the mysterious path that God has prepared for us.
Dear Readers, Abigail Rose Cunningham is a brave woman that learns first-hand about the multiple, complex capacities of fear. She leaves the security of civilization and experiences the dangers of the uncivilized West. God tests her faith, while she struggles with panic attacks and real fears.
Scripture reveals that God has a plan for the life of anyone who seeks Him with all of their heart. You’ll find that in Jeremiah 29:11. It was written for ancient Isreal, but God’s character does not change. He cares about those who trust in Him. In my story about Abigail and David Cunningham, God draws several lives together to form a family.
You may follow their adventures in my fifth book, BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS. It is available on this blog as an eBook, and at Barnes and Nobel. Search that place by my name, Patricia Gunn Hall. I would appreciate any feedback from you.
