When I asked God to heal my mother from cancer, He said no. I was so disappointed and angry with Him. For several years I could not pray or read Scripture. One time my sister asked me for prayer and I told her I couldn’t. I can still see her face. I guess God decided I had sulked enough, because soon after that I had my first panic attack.

Doctors blamed menopause. One even suggested I might be entertaining myself, since I was a stay-at-home wife and mother. He also said very little was known about panic attacks, and that I should write a book about my experience. He lost a patient that day, but at least I knew my heart was okay.

I had panic attacks at the store, while happily shopping, or working in the garden, but they could also be triggered by anything that frightened me or made me anxious. They would begin with a sensation in my chest of fear; a sense of doom descending onto me. My shoulders would lift, my chest tightened, while continuous waves of fear washed over me.

Most of the time, there was no reason to be afraid or anxious. I would resist and try to fight the feelings with common sense. The harder I struggled, the stronger the attack. Many times my tears flowed and my husband was so bewildered. “There’s no way I’m going to let anything hurt you,” he would say. “Why are you afraid?”

His face broke my heart. I did not want to be hugged or held tightly in his arms when I was in flight mode. When I watched Forest Gump, I knew exactly how he felt when he started running. Thankfully, I learned to deal with my fears, but not before considering suicide. I was not sure how God would feel about that act of murder, so I dropped that option.

One day, I felt that familiar sensation start and instead of tensing up, I just accepted that I was going to be afraid for a while. Immediately, the panic attack ended. I was stunned, but my mind was racing through all that had just happened. Panic attacks feed on fear, dear Readers. Fear truly does live in our mind. Afterwards, fear tested me several times. I would relax and the monster died for lack of food.

A few years ago, I awoke terrified. I couldn’t believe I was having a panic attack. I felt the horrible pain in my chest and extreme fear. I cried out, “Jesus! I’m afraid.” Instantly, I was okay. I was stunned by the speed of God’s answer. He was right there with me. The Holy Spirit hit fear with a sledge hammer and knocked my faith straight up to the top of His faith meter.

God is good. God is faithful. God leaves the ninety-nine sheep and comes after the one that wondered off. How blessed we are that He loves us.